The Shocking Truth About Love and Why We Are Continually Disappointed By It

Over the years, I've heard many stories of frustration in relationships. Recently, a seventy-

year-old woman shared how her husband left her for someone younger after decades of sacrifice. “This is how he rewards me,” she said with tears in her eyes. "What do I do now?”

John found his wife in their bed with one of his friends, a person his wife led him to believe

she intensely disliked, “How do I go on believing in love?” he asked me. Another friend

wondered how the man she had devoted herself to had become so cruel and indifferent

after she had invested the best years of her life into their marriage. This is the reality people

face in relationships every day. But why, what are they doing wrong? What is the real reason

so many relationships go bad?

Puzzled, people question their journey of love every day at every walk of life, but rarely do

they truly and genuinely seek the real answers.  The truth is, I have yet to meet anyone who didn’t believe they have at least a basic understanding of love and how it works. Even those

who start out by saying, “I don’t understand love,” will provide you with strong opinions on

how love is supposed to work. Truth is, we all believe we understand love. Most of us have

grown up surrounded by definitions and assumptions about love—taught by parents, teachers, and society at large. Despite this widespread confidence in our understanding, our experiences often contradict these ingrained beliefs. Yet, we cling to what we've been taught, rarely pausing to question whether these ideas truly reflect the nature of love itself.

Let us start by dispelling the myth that if someone truly loves you, they will not hurt you, be

unkind to you, be selfish, impatient, deceitful, cheat on you, envy you, or abuse you

emotionally or physically.  This is baloney. You yourself have said unkind things to people

you love dearly.  It happens in a moment of irrational anger or maybe a slip of the tongue.

And yes, like me, you probably regret it the moment it comes out of your mouth, but it

happened. Does that mean you don’t love that person?

WHAT EXACTLY IS LOVE?

Love is a single emotion.  It is its own emotion. Love has nothing to do with the other

emotions we group under it, such as kindness, empathy, forgiveness, selflessness, and

happiness. Love is simply the euphoric feeling of pleasure or delight we experience when

we are fond of someone. We feel this emotion when we are attracted to someone. Love is

the heightened fondness or excitement we experience when we find someone emotionally

captivating or stimulating. If we repeatedly feel this way about someone and are looking for

a partner, we will be inclined to make them a permanent part of our lives. Once they are

open to that and experience a degree of love for you as well, you can start a relationship. 

This is where the other emotions we group under the umbrella of love come into play.  A

healthy relationship needs kindness, forgiveness, patience, selflessness, compassion, and

yes, love.  However, love is just one of the ingredients of a satisfying, fulfilling relationship,

not the other way around.  Relationships do not need love to work.  It will still work without it

just fine.  It will not be as satisfying, but believe it or not, most people don’t mind that.  The

world is filled with people in relationships of convenience. In fact, most people are in

relationships of convenience. That more than likely also includes your parents.

Truth is, most people fall out of love soon after they start a life together. We fall out of love

because we become complacent once that person is in our lives. We overlook the fact that

we still need to keep our partner entertained and interested in us.  Instead, we relax, dig into

the routine of day-to-day life, and stop being fun. We fall out of love because we neglect to

keep the relationship engaging and exciting. This is what love is. Love is the excitement you

feel towards each other. If you don’t excite each other anymore, there is no love. The purest

of love crumbles in a heartbeat if you are not prepared to maintain that euphoric feeling.

Most people are not prepared to do this. Everything begins to deteriorate if you become

complacent. This is true in business, in maintaining your house, your yard, your faith, and

so on. It holds true in all facets of life.

No matter what you do, if your partner no longer finds you interesting or engaging, the love

is over. Yes, you may have started a wonderful life and a family, but there is no love. What

you and your partner feel instead is a sense of commitment, obligation, and gratitude, and a

degree of care, but not love.  Yes, you can double down, commit even more, and live

together for the rest of your life, but you have no love. You are good friends, you even

satisfy each other’s physical and sexual needs, but there is no love.

You can’t fix a problem until you accept that it exists.  You can take a million rekindling

vacations, and yes, love may reignite on this vacation, because you are temporarily exciting

and fun again, but once you get back home and fall back into the monotonous daily routine, the flame slowly dies once more. If you want to revive love, you have to become engaging and desirable again. Your partner must find you exciting again. That euphoric fondness, the excitement experienced, that is love. Without this feeling you are just a partner, not a “lover.” Yes, you can take very good care of each other, but there is still a feeling of emptiness inside. You care for your partner, but they do not excite you as the other man or woman you now find entertaining. Unfortunately, this is how love works.  No amount of wishing will fix this. If you want to rekindle your partner’s love, you have to become interesting and fascinating again. That is how you keep love alive. Slaving away for your partner will win gratitude but not love. Taking care of the house, the kids, the yard, and

whatever else you do will not make your partner love you. It will only win their appreciation

and maybe admiration, but not love.  

The world is filled with relationships that are missing love. This is why the infidelity rate is so

high. It is like a horse with three legs.  The horse can survive and live life to a ripe old age,

but this handicap will always hamper the quality of life it experiences. Most relationships are

like that three-legged horse. They survive without that deeper sense of satisfaction and

fulfillment. That is what your relationship is missing. Yes, your husband or wife cares for

you deeply. They will even die for you. But they are not in love with you.

It is important to note that many relationships did not start out with love.  As I stated before,

most relationships are born out of convenience. One person may be attracted to the other.

They may be stable, convenient, financially secure, have a house and a good job, and so

on. I hear about them every day.  Don’t marry someone for convenience, then complain that

there is no love. Both women and men do this all the time, then complain later.  If you marry

for convenience, shut up; you can make it work.  You don’t need love for your relationship to

work.  Yes, you will feel like one of the components is missing, because it is.  But maybe

you can find some comfort in the fact that, like you, most people are just winging it too. 

Ok, so this is beginning to sound like a doomsday situation.  It is not.  This can be easily

fixed. Before I get to that, however, let me start by stating some obvious mistakes we make

when we start out “in love” with our partner.

When someone excites our senses, we put a lot of effort into winning that person’s love, but

once we have that person, we slow down and let everything else get in the way: life, the

children, the job, the family, friends, and everything else under the sun. Yet we still expect

love to be there, shining brightly as it was when we first met and made an effort to capture

our partner's attention and feelings. Now all that has stopped, yet we expect the love to

magically last. Remember, love is the feeling of pleasure, joy, and fondness you and your

partner enjoy when you are together. If that is gone, your love is gone. If your partner has

no reason to be happy when they are around you, the love is over. If you both can’t continue

to bring each other delight and joy when you are in the same space, the love is gone. What

you are doing instead is living as a couple but without love. Don’t feel too bad, 90% of

relationships are like this.

There is good news, however: in many cases, love can be resurrected.  It starts with you

accepting what love really is.  Kick the BS you have been taught. Yes, society got it wrong. 

Sorry to say, but it is just one of many things society got completely wrong.

Unfortunately, love is an extremely fickle and simple emotion, but it is also very easy to fix if

the damage is not too severe and you know what you are fixing. In several cases, the

damage can be repaired, and love can be revived. Here are some steps to set your

relationship on the right track and continue to enjoy love. 

• Accept that love is just one simple emotion. It is the euphoric feeling of fondness, pleasure, and delight you experience when you are around someone.

• Know what you are fixing. You are trying to fix love. You need to make your partner feel excited about you again. You need to regain that feeling of fondness, pleasure, and delight. Don’t overthink it.

• Be aware that the moment the excitement in your relationship wanes is the moment you start losing the love again. It is as simple as that. Love itself is simple; keeping it alive takes awareness and effort.

• Be aware that love is doomed unless you are prepared to counteract the forces of nature trying to destroy it. The number one force is complacency. 99.9% of love dies because of this. Be proactive.

• You do not get to relax; your work has just begun. Now you must keep that euphoric feeling going. This may sound hard, but it is very easy. We are simple creatures who really desire very little to keep us engaged. Pay attention to what excites your partner, and continue to learn and grow.

• Life happens, and challenges will pop up. Deal with them and keep your partner engaged, or love will diminish again.

• As you and your partner age, you are changing. Find out what makes your partner tick. It will be different from when you were dating. You need to know this if you want to fix things.

• Be open: You are no fun if you are rigid. Listen to your partner’s needs with an open mind and stop being judgmental.

• Remember, if you can’t engage your partner, someone else will. Put some effort into it. Once you have revived the feeling, with timely maintenance and care, love will continue to flow.

Think of love the way you do your favorite TV show or the influencers you follow. If they

don’t keep you entertained, you lose interest. Love is the same. Yes, you and your partner

can commit to each other and live committed to each other until you die, but still not have

love. This is the path most people tread. However, if you can rekindle love in your

relationship, it will elevate it to levels you have never experienced before.  Several people

enjoy love daily. You can be one of them, too. Start today by changing your perception and

accepting love for what it is.

It is important to note that this article is about love, the emotion. It is not about maintaining a relationship. For a deeper understanding of love and how to cultivate fulfilling relationships, check out my upcoming articles and my book, Balance: Countering the Obstacles in Life.